Pity Party for 1

I had a rough week. My pain has been awful! The change in the weather has done me dirty! I have eaten cereal for dinner this whole week because I am so exhausted! It took all I had just to shower. I don't know if there is a depression component to how I am feeling. I am currently on Paxil and my nerve pain medication was at one time used as a mood booster/anti-depressant.

I think I need to start being nicer to myself. I try to keep as positive as I can, but sometimes it's just difficult and I need to cry. People expect too much out of me. I just want to scream! Oh and why do people say, "oh you look good, I mean, for everything you have been through." WHY?! Can't you leave the ending off! I know I am 30 + lbs overweight. I know I don't kook the same as I used to look, but I am still the same person.  I know I can't expect everyone to understand, but a little filter in what they say, could go a long way!


In better news, my port scar is looking less like a hickey! So there's that!

Helllllllppppp!

Why is it so difficult to ask for help? I always try my best to help people in need, but I can't seem to be on the receiving end.

I am having a really hard time with working full time, doing PT, and keeping up with life! I need help!

I can't vacuum. I can't do laundry. I can't sweep or mop, or take the trash out. Who wants to do these things for her or himself, much less another person. I just can't seem to ask for help.

Today I finally asked my sister for help. I was down to 1 pair of clean underwear before asking her. She gladly did my laundry, cleaned my bathroom, vacuumed, and more. Now I wish I had asked her sooner.

I miss being independent. I went from waitressing and running races to using a wheelchair to conserve my energy. I just need to accept this as my new life...

Life.

I have been back to work for 3 weeks now and I am exhausted. I don't use the stairs at work yet, but baby steps. I really don't need to fall.

In addition to returning to work, I started outpatient physical therapy. Oh and the doctor who told me I had a seroma, was wrong. According to my neurosurgeon it was a pocket of spinal fluid and it would just resolve itself.

Oh and here is a picture of the scar. The picture is a little crooked, but it's hard to take a pic of your back! I know it looks like a super long butt crack, but I don't care. Most people wouldn't have half the strength to go through what I have been through, especially these last couple years!

Setbacks!

I know setbacks are all part of this game called Life, but for God's sake, does a doctor really have to talk down to me like I'm a moron and haven't lived in this body longer than his time in medical school.

On Friday, yes, Good Friday, even though there was nothing good about it, I felt moisture on my incision where it already healed. I freaked out! Every time I got to the hospital I immediately think, "this is it! Everything I have worked for will be gone. My job, my car, my house, my independence, GONE!"

I get to the ER and the Dr. says to me, "why did you come here?" after I told him what was going on. "we don't have back doctors here!"  SERIOUSLY! So if someone breaks their foot, do you tell them, "sorry, we don't have foot doctors here!" I wanted to scream!!! I told him I was in pain and he treated me like I was trying just to get drugs! Then the CT scan came back, and guess what?! I had a seroma, a pocket of fluid under my incision, pushing down on a nerve in my back! I deserve an apology, but I won't hold my breath. "I just love going to the hospital, especially on my 3-day weekend!"

I'm becoming more and more disgusted with the medical field. I feel like my neurosurgeon is rare find. He actually listens and cares! Imagine that!

On Saturday I was feeling a lot better. I had tickets to a pre-season baseball game. It was a little windy, but other than that, it was a beautiful day!

Back to Work!

I went back to work this past Monday and while it feels great, I am exhausted!

My incision is still healing! It looks good so far. I am waiting for the last "hole" to heal. It looks like I have a buttocks on my back, but I'll sacrifice my looks to feel better! Plus, It's not like I have to look at it anyway!  I just can't wait until it heals completely because it is throwing off my routine due to the fact that I need someone to dress and re-dress it.

In addition to returning to work, I am trying to lose the weight I gained before and after surgery. I am hoping it will fall off as fast as it went on. I already lost 5 pounds just by getting up and going to work. I hope I don't gain it back at Easter Dinner!