I just need a break from life.

I have been having a really hard time lately with everything that is going on. I sprained my ankle and even though it's feeling better, the overcompensation is killing my back.

Going to PT and working full time is so exhausting. I have a butt load of  medical bills. I gained back two pounds of the five that I lost. None of my clothes fit and I feel like a fat cow. I know there is no answer, but I keep wondering why this is all happening to me.

I miss going to the gym, dancing, being pain free, going out with friends, having a beer at a sporting event, babysitting my nieces. The list goes on and on.

I so badly want to be that woman who doesn't let things bother her, who bounces back when she is pushed down time and time again. I want to be able to let things roll off my back (no pun intended). I just feel like no matter how hard I try, the more resistance I receive.

I want to be strong and become a role model for young girls who have any disability. I want young girls to see that they can graduate high school, get their drivers license, go to college, date, have a career, be independent, but I don't know how to be that role model when I feel like I am losing everything I have worked for and did nothing to deserve it.

Pity Party for 1

I had a rough week. My pain has been awful! The change in the weather has done me dirty! I have eaten cereal for dinner this whole week because I am so exhausted! It took all I had just to shower. I don't know if there is a depression component to how I am feeling. I am currently on Paxil and my nerve pain medication was at one time used as a mood booster/anti-depressant.

I think I need to start being nicer to myself. I try to keep as positive as I can, but sometimes it's just difficult and I need to cry. People expect too much out of me. I just want to scream! Oh and why do people say, "oh you look good, I mean, for everything you have been through." WHY?! Can't you leave the ending off! I know I am 30 + lbs overweight. I know I don't kook the same as I used to look, but I am still the same person.  I know I can't expect everyone to understand, but a little filter in what they say, could go a long way!


In better news, my port scar is looking less like a hickey! So there's that!

Helllllllppppp!

Why is it so difficult to ask for help? I always try my best to help people in need, but I can't seem to be on the receiving end.

I am having a really hard time with working full time, doing PT, and keeping up with life! I need help!

I can't vacuum. I can't do laundry. I can't sweep or mop, or take the trash out. Who wants to do these things for her or himself, much less another person. I just can't seem to ask for help.

Today I finally asked my sister for help. I was down to 1 pair of clean underwear before asking her. She gladly did my laundry, cleaned my bathroom, vacuumed, and more. Now I wish I had asked her sooner.

I miss being independent. I went from waitressing and running races to using a wheelchair to conserve my energy. I just need to accept this as my new life...

Life.

I have been back to work for 3 weeks now and I am exhausted. I don't use the stairs at work yet, but baby steps. I really don't need to fall.

In addition to returning to work, I started outpatient physical therapy. Oh and the doctor who told me I had a seroma, was wrong. According to my neurosurgeon it was a pocket of spinal fluid and it would just resolve itself.

Oh and here is a picture of the scar. The picture is a little crooked, but it's hard to take a pic of your back! I know it looks like a super long butt crack, but I don't care. Most people wouldn't have half the strength to go through what I have been through, especially these last couple years!

Setbacks!

I know setbacks are all part of this game called Life, but for God's sake, does a doctor really have to talk down to me like I'm a moron and haven't lived in this body longer than his time in medical school.

On Friday, yes, Good Friday, even though there was nothing good about it, I felt moisture on my incision where it already healed. I freaked out! Every time I got to the hospital I immediately think, "this is it! Everything I have worked for will be gone. My job, my car, my house, my independence, GONE!"

I get to the ER and the Dr. says to me, "why did you come here?" after I told him what was going on. "we don't have back doctors here!"  SERIOUSLY! So if someone breaks their foot, do you tell them, "sorry, we don't have foot doctors here!" I wanted to scream!!! I told him I was in pain and he treated me like I was trying just to get drugs! Then the CT scan came back, and guess what?! I had a seroma, a pocket of fluid under my incision, pushing down on a nerve in my back! I deserve an apology, but I won't hold my breath. "I just love going to the hospital, especially on my 3-day weekend!"

I'm becoming more and more disgusted with the medical field. I feel like my neurosurgeon is rare find. He actually listens and cares! Imagine that!

On Saturday I was feeling a lot better. I had tickets to a pre-season baseball game. It was a little windy, but other than that, it was a beautiful day!

Back to Work!

I went back to work this past Monday and while it feels great, I am exhausted!

My incision is still healing! It looks good so far. I am waiting for the last "hole" to heal. It looks like I have a buttocks on my back, but I'll sacrifice my looks to feel better! Plus, It's not like I have to look at it anyway!  I just can't wait until it heals completely because it is throwing off my routine due to the fact that I need someone to dress and re-dress it.

In addition to returning to work, I am trying to lose the weight I gained before and after surgery. I am hoping it will fall off as fast as it went on. I already lost 5 pounds just by getting up and going to work. I hope I don't gain it back at Easter Dinner!

UTI UGH!

The last week and a half my home care nurses were concerned because my blood pressure and heart rate were high. I also had a low-grade fever. I went to the doctor's and sure enough: UTI confirmed. As if I didn't have enough medicine to take!

My nerve pain is still horrible. I have hope that once the weather becomes warmer, it might relieve some of my pain. If that's the case, I'm moving somewhere where it's warm all year round. Plus a change of scenery may help. Hmmmm....

Oh and in better news, my last wound closed .2 cm. So now It's .4 cm. I's .4 cm away from returning to work!! SQUEEEEEEEEE